Recently in the Creating Intimacy With
The Self workshop, it came to me as I was watching the participants that
one of the difficulties with creating the intimate relationship with the
self was that the ego-personality was one of the most disliked parts of
the self. In truth, we don't like ourselves, so therefore, why would we
want to be intimate with something we don't like?
When we are born, the ego is infused with a desire. The desire is to
explore the world (the 3rd dimensional existence), physicality, discover
the world, be creative, be spontaneous, have fun, be joyful. When you
watch a baby whose senses have started to really awaken, their world is
one of pure desire. They can lie in their cribs for hours, just watching
themselves. They love looking in a mirror at themselves, they love to
amuse themselves, they will play with the same toy over and over again
and very rarely ever get bored with themselves. They love to explore
colors, shapes, textures. They feel everything, taste everything, hear
everything. They cry when unhappy with pure abandon and also laugh and
clap their hands with pure delight when something amuses them.
When a baby is first born, the infant is very aware of three special
things about itself. It has needs, wants and desires. The baby also
knows how to express these to the world around itself. A newborn crying
when it's hungry, sad, lonely, fearful is a sound that most adults
cannot bear to listen to. What a wail!!!! The pitch is so
high and strong, it demands an immediate response and usually gets one.
The ego-personality is demanding attention, to be loved, nurtured, kept
safe and warm and has no fear of asking for it and expecting it to be
there.
So
why do we have such problems as adults in doing the same? One of the
things that struck me is the way we look at the ego-personality. How
often do we really admire the ego, or do we always find fault with it?
We use phrases such as "they are such an ego maniac", "they're doing
that to feed their ego", "they only want attention." When I look at
religions, I truthfully cannot find one that honours and holds dear the
ego-personality. Christianity, being the one I'm most familiar with,
tells us of the seven deadly sins and seven heavenly virtues.
|
SINS |
VIRTUES |
| |
|
| Pride |
Faith |
| Sloth |
Hope |
| Greed |
Charity |
| Envy |
Fortitude |
| Gluttony |
Justice |
| Lust |
Temperance |
| Anger |
Prudence |
When looking at the list, how
difficult is it then to be an ego-personality? When trying to meet the
ego's needs, wants and desires, truthfully how willing would we be to do
that? If you are searching for the abundance of the universe, where in
the list are you blocking yourself from getting it? The true self and
the ego knows it wants it, but the fear would always be sitting behind
it saying "sin", "can't have", "not allowed", "permission not granted."
In truth, don't we all want to be proud of what we do, be a little lazy
sometimes and nurture ourselves, be greedy to feel more alive? Don't we
all look at another and at some point say "I want what they have, I
wonder how they did it?" Don't we all at times, desire something, not
because we need it but because it would give pure pleasure to have it?
Don't we all lust for more passion in our lives, and don't we all at
some point get frustrated at not being able to get it?
When looking at the list, one more time, how difficult is it to be an
ego-personality? In seeing the virtues, isn't that where we build huge
expectations around ourselves? Unless we meet, and all those around us
meet, the virtues, the expectations, they are not worthy of love.
Ultimately, that leads us to the answer about ourselves, we are not
worthy to be loved.
No wonder we have such problems connecting to ourselves, to meeting our
needs, wants and desires. We fear them, and ultimately we fear just
being a human being. How often do we hear ourselves say "I'M ONLY
HUMAN", and that is the truth, we were created to be human, and that
alone is enough to say
"I'M WORTHY TO BE LOVED!!!!", "I LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR!!!",
"I'M JUST ME, AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!"
