This seems to be such a hot topic in our consciousness. For years many of us have sat in front of The Wonders and heard the question "Why would you choose it?" My reaction has always been the same - I wouldn't. Of course, I wouldn't. Why would I repeat past mistakes, dig up old hurts and feel pain again! Didn't I want an existence that was just kind, loving, gentle, nurturing, etc. etc. etc... The Wonders have also continuously asked us "Why do you continue to harm yourself? Why do you allow another to harm you?" And in answer to this I have tried not to. I have tried to control my existence to such an extent that no concept of harm could enter my consciousness. I would push away from anyone or anything that fit my definition of "harm" and only move towards anyone or anything that fit my definition of "love."

I now choose differently. I have come to realize that "harm" is an illusion and that we all carry our own definitions of this concept. How we define abuse is also a personal concept. We have all suffered past hurts, pain, relationships that were difficult to handle, and for me, the push away would take place every time I came into a situation that even remotely resembled the past. I thought I was choosing differently every time I chose not to interact with someone I didn't like or that I judged had the ability to harm me either physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Absolute control was taking place in my existence under the guide of "choosing differently."

 I have since come to realize that this was not vulnerability. As The wonders took us into the concepts of becoming vulnerable to the universe, I pushed away and tried to row my boat in a different direction from where they were going. As usual, this didn't work. I only caused a lot of suffering for myself as fear of the past hurts began to come to the surface. Both the hurt child and the hurt adult rose in me as I became aware that I was going to have to allow experiences to take place that I wouldn't allow if control was being applied. I was going to have to allow abuse to be experienced and the resistance deepened in me. However, the more I allowed The Wonders to guide me in this direction, the more I became aware of the illusion of abuse.

 Now I do choose differently, for I allow experiences to take place that in the past would have been abusive. I have come to realize that if I am still reacting with emotional pain and the urge comes upon me to "run for the hills", or push away, then I still have an unresolved issue in this direction. The urge to push away is the fear and yet The Wonders have asked me many times "Why fear?" Now I do choose to interact, as I have come to realize the more I interact, the more I heal the issue. It is not always easy, but I do choose and I have discovered that no one can harm (abuse) me but me, and that in the past I allowed harm and the feelings of hurt, because I couldn't see through the illusion. The old fears of being alone, not supported, no one would understand me, I was not acceptable, etc. would come upon me and I would fear.

What is the difference between love and abuse? Nothing. Only judgment. So thank you to all who have abused me in the past, for you have lovingly guided me to this awareness in myself. I appreciate you and the experience, for without you, my life would not be taking this direction. And thank you Wonders, for you have taught me to appreciate all the universe has to offer, and through the experiences I am now allowing, I am deepening my understanding of sufficiency.